Joyful in Hope

I meet it as I lay my head down for the night.  As I settle into my bed, it settles to the rim of my eyelids and tears fall down my cheeks and find their way to my pillow.

I meet it in those moments throughout my day set aside for God.

I meet it as I see a reminder or think of where I was and what I was doing exactly a year ago this time.

And for all of the moments in between; I meet it then too.

It is this deep sadness in my heart.

Since being home I have had this deep sadness welling up in my heart and have been trying to get to the bottom of this feeling.

God is helping me see the source of this sadness and so much more.

While I was away I found myself saying, “I am so close to God’s broken heart.”

And I was.

I hugged and kissed His broken heart as I tucked sweet children into bed for the night.  Children who were born into a horror story, rescued into a home where they are safe, but are still left vulnerable, and scarred by pain and trauma they should have never known.

I looked into the eyes of His broken heart each time I looked into the teary eyed men who were once enslaved to addictions but have made that courageous decision to get help.

I felt the weight of His broken heart every time I allowed her tears to soak my shirt as I held her and she cried on my shoulder.  She was a victim of abuse, trauma, rejection but I saw her as a victor.

Being so close to God’s broken heart changed me.  Surprisingly, I did not feel hopeless for this brokenness I came to know so well.  Instead, I felt joyful in hope.

I knew well that brokenness caused by people can feel hopeless, but God was showing me that brokenness entrusted with Him is full of hope.

I found and held onto God’s promise for this brokenness in the midst of my many tears that fell from my eyes and heart each time I would encounter yet another piece of His broken heart.

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.  Psalm 126:5

I know for every tear that has fallen from my eyes over the brokenness my heart touched, would one day be turned into a beautiful song of joy and praise for God’s redemption, love, and grace.

Now that I am home away from this brokenness I knew so well for months and months, I find myself still with tears.

These tears fall because of the empty place His brokenness once filled.

I carried an imprint on my heart of His brokenness home with me but I can no longer hug it, kiss it, touch it, carry it.

It is in this empty place I’ve found this deep sadness settle.

All I can be reminded of is the same promise God spoke to me then;

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.  Psalm 126:5

This life will have us in tears more times than we would like to admit.  When we encounter brokenness it is my prayer that we can entrust it with God, knowing the hope we can have and the joy we can find to replace the sadness welling up.

And as for my tears that are still falling, I am waiting for the moment God turns them to tears of joy instead of tears from sadness.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Romans 12:12

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Joyful in Hope

  1. I know exactly how you feel my dear Friend. God is showing me so much brokenness herd in el Salvador. I see his heart in so many of these beautiful people. Be has a plan for you and he will reveal it to you.

  2. Dearest Diane! You are going through the grieving process, aren’t you? Please call me at your convenience. I love you, dear Sister!

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